Setting Healthy Boundaries: Protecting Your Mental Health in Relationships

In my fifteen years of practice as a psychologist in Hyderabad, if there is one issue that comes up more consistently than any other, it is the struggle with boundaries. Just last week, I sat across from Meera (name changed), a 34-year-old software engineer who had not taken a single day off in three years. "Sudheer sir," she said, her eyes welling up, "I don't know where my family ends and I begin. Everyone needs something from me, and I have nothing left to give."

Meera's story is not unique. In fact, it represents a silent epidemic I witness daily in my practice. The inability to set healthy boundaries affects our sleep, our relationships, our careers, and most critically, our mental health. Yet in our Indian context, where family bonds are sacred and saying "no" can feel like a betrayal, learning to establish boundaries requires a nuanced understanding that Western self-help books rarely address.

Today, I want to share what I have learned—both from research and from the thousands of clients who have trusted me with their struggles—about setting boundaries that protect your mental health while honoring the relationships that matter most to you.

Understanding What Boundaries Really Mean

Let me begin by clearing up a misconception I encounter frequently. Boundaries are not walls. They are not about shutting people out or becoming selfish. Dr. Henry Cloud, in his seminal work on boundaries, describes them as "property lines" that define where you end and another person begins. They communicate what you are responsible for and what others are responsible for.

In psychological terms, healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining a stable sense of self—what we call ego integrity. Research published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology has consistently shown that individuals with clear boundaries report higher self-esteem, lower anxiety, and more satisfying relationships.

But here is what I have observed in my practice: for many Indians, especially those from joint family backgrounds, the very concept of having personal "property lines" can feel foreign, even wrong. We grow up in a culture where sharing is not just encouraged but expected—sharing rooms, sharing decisions, sharing our lives in ways that Western individualistic societies might find unusual.

This is not a weakness of our culture. Our collectivist values have given us strong support systems, resilience in crisis, and a sense of belonging that many in the West actively seek. The challenge lies in finding the balance—maintaining connection while also preserving your individual wellbeing.

The Cost of Boundarylessness

I remember a client, Rajesh (name changed), a 45-year-old businessman who came to me with severe anxiety and what he described as "a constant feeling of being trapped." As we explored his life, a pattern emerged. His aging parents lived with him and expected him to be available around the clock. His siblings called him whenever they needed financial help. His employees had his personal phone number and called at all hours. His wife felt neglected because he had no emotional energy left for her.

Rajesh was not a bad son, brother, employer, or husband. He was, in fact, trying to be excellent at all these roles. But without boundaries, he was drowning.

The psychological literature is clear on this: chronic boundary violations lead to what researchers call "compassion fatigue" and eventually, burnout. A 2019 study in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry found that professionals in India reported significantly higher rates of burnout compared to global averages, with "inability to disconnect from work and family demands" cited as a primary factor.

When we do not set boundaries, we pay with our mental health. Anxiety, depression, resentment, and even physical ailments like hypertension and chronic fatigue become our constant companions.

Boundaries in the Indian Family Context

Now, let us address the elephant in the room. How do you set boundaries with parents who sacrificed everything for you? With in-laws who see any assertion of independence as disrespect? With siblings who have always relied on you?

I want to share a reframe that has helped many of my clients. Boundaries are not about rejection; they are about sustainability. When you set a boundary, you are actually saying: "I want this relationship to last. I want to show up for you fully when I am with you. And for that to happen, I need to also take care of myself."

Here are some practical approaches I have seen work:

Start with acknowledgment. Before stating your boundary, acknowledge the relationship and your appreciation. "Amma, I know you worry about me because you love me. Your concern means so much to me. And I need you to trust that I can handle this decision about my career."

Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Instead of "You always interfere in my marriage," try "I feel overwhelmed when I receive advice about my relationship. I need some space to figure things out with my spouse."

Be consistent but compassionate. Setting a boundary once is not enough. You may need to gently reinforce it multiple times. This does not mean the boundary is not working—it means everyone is adjusting to a new pattern.

Choose your battles wisely. Not every hill is worth dying on. Focus on boundaries that protect your core wellbeing rather than trying to change everything at once.

Boundaries at Work: The Indian Professional's Dilemma

The Indian workplace presents its own boundary challenges. The line between professional and personal often blurs—bosses who expect you to be available on weekends, colleagues who become family and then expect family-like accommodations, the pressure to say yes to every project to prove your commitment.

One of my clients, Priya (name changed), a marketing manager at a multinational company, was working 14-hour days and checking emails until midnight. When I asked her why, she said, "If I don't respond immediately, people will think I'm not dedicated. In this job market, I can't afford that reputation."

Priya's fear was understandable. But her strategy was backfiring. Her work quality was declining due to exhaustion, her health was suffering, and ironically, her constant availability had trained her team to be dependent rather than self-sufficient.

We worked together on what I call "professional boundary setting with Indian characteristics":

Manage expectations proactively. Rather than being available 24/7 and then suddenly going silent, communicate your availability clearly. "I check emails between 9 AM and 7 PM. For genuine emergencies, you can call my mobile."

Deliver results, not hours. Shift the conversation from time spent to outcomes achieved. When you consistently deliver quality work, reasonable managers will respect your boundaries.

Build alliances. Find colleagues who share your values around work-life balance. There is strength in numbers, and cultural change often starts with small groups.

Boundaries in Romantic Relationships and Marriage

In my couples counseling work, boundary issues are at the heart of most conflicts. Sometimes it is about boundaries between the couple and extended family. Sometimes it is about boundaries between the partners themselves—respecting each other's need for space, privacy, and individual identity.

I often tell couples: a healthy marriage requires two whole individuals choosing to share their lives, not two halves trying to complete each other. When you lose yourself completely in a relationship, you actually have less to offer your partner.

This is particularly relevant in arranged marriages, which are still common in our society. Two individuals from different family systems come together, each carrying their own set of expectations about boundaries. Open, honest conversations about these expectations—ideally before marriage, but certainly after—can prevent years of conflict.

Some questions I encourage couples to discuss:

• How much involvement do we want from our families in our decisions?
• How do we handle finances—what is shared, what is individual?
• How much personal space and alone time does each of us need?
• What are our expectations about friendships outside the marriage?

The Practice of Boundary Setting: A Psychological Toolkit

Let me share some specific techniques that I have found effective in my practice:

The DEAR MAN technique (from Dialectical Behavior Therapy): Describe the situation, Express your feelings, Assert your needs, Reinforce the benefits, stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate if needed.

The broken record technique: Calmly repeat your boundary without getting drawn into arguments or justifications. "I understand you're disappointed. I'm not able to lend money this month." Repeat as needed.

Scheduled worry time for guilt: Many of my clients feel tremendous guilt when setting boundaries. I suggest scheduling 15 minutes daily to acknowledge and sit with this guilt, rather than letting it control you throughout the day. Research shows that contained worry time actually reduces overall anxiety.

Self-compassion practices: Dr. Kristin Neff's research shows that self-compassion is essential for maintaining boundaries. When you treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend, saying no becomes easier.

A Final Thought: Boundaries as an Act of Love

I want to leave you with this perspective: setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do—for yourself and for others. When you protect your mental health, you become a better parent, child, spouse, friend, and colleague. When you model healthy boundaries, you give permission to others in your life to do the same.

This is not about becoming Western or abandoning our values. It is about evolving our beautiful tradition of interconnectedness to include space for individual wellbeing. The two are not contradictory—they are complementary.

As I often tell my clients: you cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it is necessary.

---

If you are struggling with boundary issues in your relationships, your family, or your workplace, know that you are not alone. These patterns often run deep and changing them can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, having a supportive professional to guide you through the process makes all the difference.

I invite you to reach out to my practice in Hyderabad for a consultation. Together, we can explore what healthy boundaries look like in your unique situation and develop practical strategies that honor both your wellbeing and your relationships.

---

Sudheer Sandra is a licensed psychologist and career counselor based in Hyderabad, India, with over 15 years of clinical experience. He specializes in anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and career counseling, with a particular focus on helping professionals navigate the unique pressures of modern Indian life. He is passionate about making mental health support accessible and culturally relevant.